Spiritual Betrayal

The Torah, “Numbers” 5:11 – 5:15: The Lord spoke unto Moses, saying: Speak to the children of Israel and say to them: Should any man’s wife go astray and deal treacherously with him, and a man lie with her carnally, but it was hidden from her husband’s eyes, but she was secluded [with the suspected adulterer] and there was no witness against her, and she was not seized. But a spirit of jealousy had come upon him and he became jealous of his wife, and she was defiled, or, a spirit of jealousy had come upon him and he was jealous of his wife, and she was not defiled. Then the man shall bring his wife to the Cohen and bring her offering for her, one-tenth part of an ephah of barley flour. He shall neither pour oil over it nor put frankincense on it, for it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, recalling iniquity.

If the direction towards the Creator is clear to me and I gradually tie all my desires in this direction so that they will help me get close to Him and to rise to a level that is higher than me, then although my egoistic desires wish to draw me to the corporeal pleasures of this world, I want to shift them to attaining the upper world, the Creator. I constantly try to direct these desires towards the goal: I annul myself and ascend above myself, which means that I believe that all the conditions and the hardships stem from the Creator so that I will ascend above myself and advance in faith above reason. This is a system that I build and thus turn to Him with my desires.

But suddenly I disconnect from these efforts and discover that the desires I turned to Him with now yearn for different frivolous matters of everyday life. This is called “betrayal of the Creator.”

So what should I do?! I have to examine my desires: Why did it happen? Where did I lost contact with the thought that the Creator governs me? At what point, under what conditions, was my desire suddenly tempted to violate the connection with the Creator and to watch a movie, want to go on vacation, or be in some other event on the corporeal level.

Why has this desire (Nukva) betrayed me and why doesn’t it want to be adhered in the intention towards the Creator (Zeir Anpin)?!

How can I examine that? Only if I ascend to the level of the priest (Cohen) and examine things. I will not be able to do it any other way. I have lost the desire (Nukva) on the level I am now. Only the Upper Light can help a person examine why he didn’t hold on, what affected him, or what has intentionally brought him to a certain state. There are many nuances here, but they can all be resolved only this way.
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From KabTV’s “Secrets of the Eternal Book” 1/21/15