How Do You Escape Loneliness?

Question: Often, frustration and depression is caused by a deep distinct fear of being alone in this world deprived of connection with loved ones. In other words, there is strong basis, foundation, on which to build family relationships.

Irrespective of the fact that we may not need each other as before, the obvious decline of family traditions, the availability of sexual partners, doors that used to be locked in the past are now widely open, and in spite of the fact that family partners have significantly less in common these days, there still remains something intrinsic in us: a primordial, existential fear of loneliness that many experience today.

Answer: And yet, people are less likely to find an answer to this fear in marriage. Mutual reliance and mutual support are not associated with a contemporary family anymore. The fear is there, but the solutions are not yet visible.

By all means, it’s better to be together with someone rather than stay alone. People with a lot of “baggage” feel that their partners depend on them; they understand that they are responsible for them at least due to habits that were built in the past. We are just people.

However, at the same time, I don’t think that the fear of being alone keeps people within a good, faithful family. This “theory” doesn’t need to be proved by contradiction, nor can it be solved by hiding from the negative downsides. All we really need is to be positive.

Question: Psychology states that we don’t become attached to anyone merely because of fear; rather, we are seeking deeper internal bonding, unity. Yet there is no doubt that many people are driven by fear. This is where the process begins, although it’s quite obvious that the correct connection does not come from it. On the contrary, fear gives rise to other phenomena, often stopping us from breaking connections that were inherently flawed.

Let’s speak about a situation when people strive to establish relationships, but don’t know what to do. The question is: Where to start?

Typically various methods offer people means of self-exploration that let them get acquainted with their nature: “What portion of myself can I devote to connect with my partner?” After asking this question, one makes a “list”: “What do I expect from my partner and from our common life?” Then, when one understands what one wants and expects, it can be configured for a particular kind of relationship. This exercise is very common these days. Is it correct?

Answer: I assume, that it is popular not only today. It was always this way: People calculated their input and the contribution made by their partners into their common life. Matchmakers of all kinds always communicated this way and helped young people and their parents “make good deals.” In fact, it was all about business. Both spouses-to-be were egoists and had to soberly justify whether it’s worth living together. Their feelings towards each other were just one of many components in this formula. Their emotions had a “purchasing power” and were included into a general equation.

Is this approach correct? I don’t think so. Of course, it worked for some time, but we have changed dramatically. We are not exactly sure what we want today, and especially do not know what we will want tomorrow. Besides, our psychology is largely perverted by a huge external effect that pushes us from side to side with artificial restrictions and permissions, imaginary benefits and losses.

Each “fad,” each “change of season” completely alters us from the outside in addition to all internal changes that we undergo. That’s why our calculation of benefits and disadvantages of our potential future family life might be wrong. Only if we set a higher value as a goal and agree to a certain challenge, to an objective that elevates us above the disruptions that happen both in the society and within us, only then will the society and its cells, the young couples not only survive, but will flourish.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 9/6/13