What Am I Striving For?

A person goes through several stages in regard to his efforts to study the science of Kabbalah and their results. At first, I will inevitably relate to my studies according to the rules that I am accustomed to in the corporeal world; that is, I want to gain understanding from my studies and reward for my efforts. We cannot imagine another way because this is how we operate.

As time passes, I become disillusioned with the path, seeing that years have passed and there is no result in sight. I studied many sources: articles, “Preface to the Wisdom of Kabbalah,” Talmud Eser Sefirot (The Study of the Ten Sefirot,) The Book of Zohar, I worked in a group, but I still fail to understand what the correct result should be. I do not evaluate my changes in relation to bestowal, in my attitude toward my friends, or in a closer connection with them, that is, the external indicators of the correction of our broken desires, which we need to connect. Instead, I look for personal gain, which the egoistic nature obliges me to do.

Even if I agree that we must connect, my primal concern is still my personal accomplishment: I want to reveal spirituality, to know and understand it, to see and feel it—it is all about me!

Here, it takes serious effort to reach a true calculation. From bitterness and disappointment, obscurity and misunderstanding of what is happening to me, I begin to make the correct calculation, guessing that the goal is not to attain, but to acquire the properties of bestowal, the desire to connect with others, and love.

When I change the purpose of my work, I begin to move toward a prayer, correctly forming my request to the Creator. If I am after acquiring knowledge, wisdom, and success, as is customary in our world, then everything depends on my efforts. The smarter I get, the more time I put into the work, the more I will succeed. But if I change my goal from material to spiritual, wanting to transform myself from a receiver to a bestower, then the result does not depend on what I do in this world, but rather on how the upper light affects me.

This is a totally different approach. Therefore, I curb my pride and do everything the group requires of me. Because I have no choice—this is the only way one can draw the light that reforms. Only with a prayer can I attract the upper light to myself and truly transform.¹

If one comes to the lessons, is involved in dissemination, and in group work, and teaches, and still feels that each day he is losing strength, at risk of completely breaking away, he begins to criticize the path. But the fact is that he is not evaluating himself correctly. He feels as if he is falling every day, but maybe he is actually ascending? Everything depends on what is measured. He is indignant about not receiving the sensation, the attainment, the understanding. He is looking into his egoistic desires and does not see any fulfillment in them. Why does he feel that this is a loss and not a gain?

This is a great success because another day has passed and I have received nothing for my egoism, and another day, and another. And there will be many more days like this. To what end? What am I trying to achieve? I want to reach despair from my way being wrong, and I should not get that at all.

I must reach complete disillusionment in the calculations that I have made in my desire to enjoy. How is it possible for me to find anything spiritual there? The fact that with each day I see a bigger and bigger zero is help from above. This is how the Creator is showing me that my path is the wrong one. As if He is telling me: “You can keep trying all you want, but you will not achieve anything until you become completely disappointed.”

I have to think carefully: I work with desires to receive, but acquire no spirituality in them. And what is the spiritual reward I am trying to receive? A spiritual reward is love for another to the point of loving the Creator, bestowal, coming out of oneself. Is this what I am striving for? If not, what success can I be expecting?

I need to decide if I want such a reward. If so, I must ask the Creator to change my desire for me, to become a giver like Him, to love others, to connect with others. Only then do I realize that I have never felt further away from this goal.

I look at the friends around me and realize that they are infinitely far from me, as if in another universe. I used to feel them somewhat before, but now I cannot feel them at all, as if they are not people but ghosts. It turns out that I already see my desired and my actual state. I must raise the importance of spirituality. It doesn’t matter if I like this state or not, it is a very important one.

For this, I apply efforts to listen to my friends who are assuring me of the importance of spirituality, and I tell them the same thing. The truth is that I have no idea what it is and do not feel any importance of it. Who in this world finds it important to love his neighbor? Do we have any respect for such idealists? There aren’t any left in our time.

Long ago there were humanists who propagated love for animals, people, and nature. But today we see financial or political gain behind all such calls. We have to work on making spirituality an important goal for us. The more my friends tell me about it, the more I will absorb it and feel it as truly important. I cannot neglect what is important to others. If my environment values the quality of bestowal, I too will value the spiritual world that operates on the basis of bestowal.

It is another realm, the anti-world that runs on the law of bestowal, and I have to draw near it.
We can never use our egoistic desires, mind, feelings, and rationalism to measure spirituality. This is something that exists above us. If you read a clever book to a cat a thousand times, the cat will not get any wiser. But we are susceptible to the light that reforms, which gives a person new, additional desires. One begins to feel spirituality in these new desires.

So, let’s calm down and think of how to attract the light. This is the whole point, and for this we must connect with our friends. I may not want to, I may not love my friends, but there is no choice: If I make an effort to go above my rejection, I will attract the light that reforms and succeed.²
From the 1^st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 10/8/19, Writings of Rabash, Article 33 “The Felons of Israel”(1985)