Boomerang

Question: If I haven’t found a dissemination task that is suitable for me, is it possible to be busy with “internal dissemination” instead of that in the meantime, which means holding intention?

Answer: No, that is not a substitute. We do not know what our intention is. The intentions are built in us by the Light that bestows. A person has no connection or control of his intention.

My intentions are determined by my present situation. I am not able to create an intention within me according to my desire. I cannot sit and attempt not to think of a white elephant, and then force myself to think about a green alligator without being distracted.

All of my intentions are a result of the state that I am in. I can’t turn a knob to turn an intention on or off, to change an intention from one to another. That is impossible.

I must work with the environment, disseminate, study, and because of my energy, efforts, and investment, the Light that Reforms will come and change my intention. I am not in control of my intention, I can only, through my efforts and prayers, invite a response for my desire to change, which will come back to me like a boomerang, and the upper Light will change me.

I am not able to build it myself; it’s like giving birth to myself. It is only possible to influence it so that it will happen. But that influence is my entire work. How am I able to awaken the Light so that it will produce the correct intention within me?

My prayer, my MAN (Mayin Nukvin- female waters) is up to my expectations. So I need to have contact with the group, mutual work, envy, lust, and honor in relation to the friends, and admiration for what they value and what they do not. In this way I acquire at least some kind of deficiency for bestowal, even though they are egoistic in the meantime, Lo Lishma (not for Her Name).

But I cannot change my inner self by myself, to direct myself to certain thoughts and intentions. I have no such control panel with which I could calibrate myself correctly.
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From the 2^nd part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 4/3/14, Questions and Answers with Dr. Laitman